Returning from the road

Its the beginning of October and Im sitting at a local cafe in Porvoo, one of my home towns in Finland or basically the home town. Its the place where I became a woman of sort and spend my most agonising growth years at, growing as a human is still agonising as fuck but there are good moments as well, good people to surround yourself with. Its been over a month since I returned from the second cycling journey and wanted to tell you about it, tell about returning and all the feelings that might occure and bet, that most of the touring folks go thru after months on the road, touring blues I guess you could call it.

When I arrived in Rome which was my last stop, I was actually ready to fly back home immediately because the last four days or so was just waiting, trying to pass the time without using any money. Returning home was inevitable so I might have done it right away, I was exhausted on the gipsy life so going home felt like a relief. I couldnt wait to see all my friends and family, even thou I had made a lot of good friends on the way and was allready missing them. I think that once someone has tried the cycling life on the road, they either love it or hate it and never want to see another tent stick in their life. I love it to certain point and after that it becomes tiring, especially if your cycling alone and against the time. My advice to people who are dreaming about cycling life; go and dont think too much but take your time and dont schedule a return day or a time, that just kills the whole concept of the freedom that cycling life offers and thats the reason of it all, thats the drug that keeps you wanting to go again and again, feeling of freedom and letting go of the scheduled life (oh, and buy a tent where you can sit normally).

Second time around cycling was easier in every way and I felt more free and self assure, I started to see myself in others and realise how others percieved me throu their eyes and it felt nice. Everything is connected and everybody is connected and if you start to see that and follow that then living becomes a string of happy coincidences, all the bread crumbles start to give you a way, a path and all you need to do is to follow, give, get and enjoy life.

After returning home I felt more free and relaxed what comes to money and employment situation, then the first time around. Dolce vita had ruined me, nothing could compare to the after lightness I felt, a happiness that just poored out of me and was visual in the faces of strangers I passed by on the streets. It was basically impossible not to smile all the time. This lasted around three weeks and started slowly turn into a coma of sort. I guess its crucial that when your so happy and light then go and find other happy people to be with and dont be alone too much because the ever so fast cycle of everyday life and capitalist society can be a bit too much to bare, being happy isnt cost-effective to society and its, not so silent demands can turn into a painful fight between yourself and the ego. It felt like people around me, everywhere were so unhappy and in pain, I just wanted to hug everybody all the time, but I guess someone had called the ambulance after that. Trying to connect with people in Helsinki or Finland is different and all my friends of course have their own lifes and structures which is normal and im happy for them, but im lonely, its different to be lonely on the road then at home.

Why do you feel more connected cycling alone somewhere in the bushes then being at home?

I guess it has something to do with the fact that when your cycling, there is a purpose and a meaning to everything but back at home I dont feel that purpose, my place. On the road and in nature there is just silence and clarity, wind is like the whisper of the universe and everything has its place and time, us humans are fortunate enough to witness it all. I like the feeling of being an anomaly, to be the strong one, the alien in the supermarket. Also a known woman cyclist wrote on her instagram that shes only lonely in the big cities amongst people, I guess theres a truth in that.

Got this from a friend, kept it with me the whole time. Hence the coffee stain.

Im sure coming back would be easier with having a ready structured life and a job, having the cycling as a nice hobby on the side, but when it becomes this life altering event, nothing else compares to it. Everybody keeps asking me if im allready planning a new route and another journey (of course i thought about it), which makes me confused because if I left again in a year or so it meant I would be again working just somewhere to earn money and this time I would definetely go for a longer journey then two months (India, Nepal, Asia, Africa and all that), but I feel like it would just prolong the inevitable need of rooting myself somewhere because after coming back I would face these same feelings and same thoughts, what to do where to go and would probably feel even more of an outsider then what I feel now.

Question becomes, do I want to cycle for life or root myself to Finland. 

 

I think that for me the answear is to root myself somewhere, cycling life would just be an excuse to run away from myself and the insecurities I have. I want to be happy where ever I am and that can only be found thru an inner peace. I love the feeling of freedom that cycling gives on the road and its THE BEST way to see the world, but I dont like the constant gypsy life, so that kind of settles the debate of whether I should just hit the road and never look back but it doesnt mean im never going to do another journey again. During these last couple of years my values and the way of perceiving our world has become more clear and I cant live the "normal" life that so many of us do (no judgement, only respect). From what I have seen and experienced its clear that here in the north we are more privileged then in the south and I want to do something about it either in national or international level, whether its charity and volunteer work, reporting about it or creating some sort of a safe place here in Finland. I dont want to live alone, but to live in a communal way where sharing is caring, being with others brings me closer to myself, the more we isolate our self from others and the more we consume, the lonelier we get and the future of human kind depends on people coming together as one. Dont get me wrong, I really appreciate my own time and like being alone but theres a difference to feeling lonely and being alone, something the road teaches you.

Its also allmost touchable and visible how much we humans have distant ourself from others, living in a box minding our own business, being afraid of what others might think about us and how others perceive us, thinking about the same problems over and over again (that our mind only makes up), we are so dependent on how others perceive us that we dont see how amazing we are and how much more happier and lighter we could be! Imagine if we shared more with our neighbours, shared more with our friends, then we wouldnt need to buy new things, if we spend time more together like the Italians do in the dinner table or like the Hungarians do, shared a dish in the restaurant and shared the bill, maybe we wouldnt need to use so much antidepressants or alcohol but most of all what if we all worked a little less to have more free time.

What if we just spend more time together, would it be that bad?

 

Im 33- years old but I would love to have sleepovers with my friends and their families and to have long dinners, go and grab a coffee with a neighbour, help with gardening or whatever but I always feel like im taking someones time and (asking my neighbor for a coffee would just feel utterly wierd since its not what we are used to it) like theres a time limit to how long one visit can last and it feels like its stopping the bonding experience. I guess thats why a communal way of living would be the best option for me because this way all that is more possible, to have a big family and share the life in a more deeper level, to have a place where my friends can come and go if they want to.

 

Is it easier to leave then to come back. For me its definetely harder to come back, but like I wrote in my Italy post, it feels that im quite sure this is where im supposto be right now. What comes next, is still a mystery, but I have a lot of ideas 😃